Monday, October 15, 2012

What's goin' on...

This weekend you can catch me playing a dung beetle and a yield sign in the Theatre Artists Workshop Playwrights Festival. I also wrote the one with the yield sign - the other character is a tire. AND, word is Gary Garrison will be in attendance :)

Movin' on up!

V

Friday, August 31, 2012

Done!

I am finished. I wrote the last play today. The Stamford Symphony is conducted by imaginary poet laureate Trusky, poetically detailing why this town sucks.

I am the most miserable person in the world right now.

End of story.

-VD

Thursday, August 30, 2012

30 Fucking Plays!

I have taken two naps today - this thing has kicked my ass.

Today's play was a spoof on the young British scientist who explains the wonders of the you-knee-verse on the science channel. The title is Snack Attack, but I'm not sure why.

30 fucking plays.

Thanks so much to my peeps who have supported me through this :)

Tomorrow I'm done!

-VD

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Play #29 - Cove Beach Mafia

Wrapping this all up in a bow, it's going to be hard deciding on the last two plays. Today's play was actually on my list of plays to write weeks ago...or maybe a week-and-a-half ago. I have since lost the list...

Yet another tale inspired by the ugly truth, the Cove Beach Mafia is what I call the group of grown men who like to walk in the opposite direction of everyone else in a clump - like a bunch of girls going to the bathroom. They don't acknowledge your existence and will push you off of the path before they get out of your way.

Classy bastards.

Thankfully I haven't seen too much of them this year, I haven't been exercising that much or at the "right" times...

Yesterday I printed up all the plays I wrote thus far, sorted them into three piles...wait a minute. I think I said this yesterday...or maybe not, I'm so confused.

I have a lot to choose from. I'm starting to wonder how I'll pick the "final" line-up and I'm really stating to wonder if Civic Fucking Pride is going to be a good title. Generally speaking, I think that's the main theme going through the pieces, but not in all of them. But maybe that's okay.

As it becomes time for playwrights to bundle up their babies and send them off for consideration for development I'm starting to think I'll hold off on this one and send in my last full-length instead. Then I'll have a whole year with these plays at the workshop that I can use to fine tune the whole show.

At least that's what I'm thinking today.

-VD

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

28 plays done - 3 to go!

Today's play was a shortie about a local restauranteur that hires illegals and makes them work sick.

Yay.

I printed up the first 28 plays and sorted them into three piles - Yay, nay or nay(?).

I have 82 pages of yay :)

Three more plays and I'm done for the month. I'll assemble the best, fix them up and possibly send it out for development.

And I'm definitely looking forward to getting back to my "future play" The Brazil Nut Effect.

-VD

Monday, August 27, 2012

Play #27 DONE! \m/

Holy Pagan Christmas, Batman! Only four more plays to write! Today's idea came to me yesterday, I can only hope the last few plays get written so easily...

Rippowam Social is poking fun at all the trendy restaurants around these here parts. At this fictional restaurant servers are armed with tomahawks and customers with muskets.

I worked as a server for two years and I am scarred for life. But recently, as a customer, I have been equally scarred...it's best to eat at home, I think.

-VD

Sunday, August 26, 2012

26 down, 5 to go. HIKE!

I am not gonna lie, I am fucking drained, exhausted, wiped-out and whatever else you generally associate with "tired-ass-playwright."

Yesterday's play was a chore, today it wasn't so hard. I think I'm getting to the "wrapping up" phase in my mind. Since I decided at the beginning these would be part of a longer play I think I'm just naturally tying it all together, so these last few plays may be less edgy and more about "coming to a new understanding" of my hometown.

I understand it sucks, ba-dum-bum.

Actually, I'm starting to understand that, unfortunately, the town was designed to suck. Not the whole town, just the sucky parts.

Urban renewal did wrong by this town. No doubt.

Today's play was actually inspired by events elsewhere - a 100 year old woman somewhere brought cupcakes to the post office and handed them out in celebration. So, in my Stamford version, I had to tell it along with some annoying foodies and a snobby chef.

I have a good idea for tomorrow, too...so only four ideas to go :)

-VD

Friday, August 24, 2012

#24 - Pit Bull Rescue

I have now started taking stories people have told my husband and making them into plays...very exaggerated, of course. I'm going to sleep now.

-VD

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Play #23 Dozen Make Sense ;)

It's a struggle, but it seems these plays are coming together. Things are wrapping up from previous plays, joke cycles hopefully completed...I think I just made that up. What's a joke cycle? Hmm... if it was stand-up they'd be called call-backs...whateves.

I also made Stamford Baked Beans today - so I'm wiped out...

More anon...

-VD

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Boogle snort fish.... I mean, I wrote play #22. Sorry my shot is brain.

My friend Carrie requested a road rage play...and since I couldn't think of anything else...

I had one false start on a monologue with more unfortunately true stories of shit-hole drivers in asstown, I mean Stamford. But it wasn't quite working for me so I just imagined the eventual 6 actors as cars...

Here it is. I hope it make a modicum of sense and is also somewhat entertaining.

-VD




Road Rage



by Vanessa David ©2012





                       

                        SETTING: The roads of Stamford, CT.



                        AT RISE: CAR #1 is trying to make a right turn. ALL the other cars go                                quickly by. CAR #1 finally is able to make the turn. CAR #2 is back and                                     wants to make a left, he pushes his way in front of CAR #1.



                                                            CAR #1

I have the right of way, you know.



                                                            CAR #2

Go fuck yourself!



                        CAR #2 cuts her off and makes his turn.



                                                            CAR #1

Good morning to you, too, asshole.



                        CAR # 1 exits. CAR #3 enters by CAR #4. CAR #3 isn’t feeling so well, she                         slowly comes to a stop right where she is. CAR #4 starts yelling.



                                                            CAR #4

For christssakes, GO! Come on! BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEPPPP!



                                                            CAR #3

Go around me!



                                                            CAR #4

What?



                                                            CAR #3

GO AROUND ME!



                        CAR #4 looks to go around her on the right. ALL the other cars come                                  quickly and don’t let him through. As he tries for the other side all the cars                      then come from that direction. This can happen a few times.



                                                            CAR #4

FUCK!





                                                            CAR #3

GO AROUND ME!



                                                            CAR #4

Fuck you! Finally!



                        CAR #4 finally exits and CAR #1 pulls up t o CAR #3, blocking everyone                             behind them.



                                                            CAR #1

Diane? Is that you?



                                                            CAR #3

Sherri? Oh my goodness, how are you?



                                                            CAR #1

I’m good, Junior just started school so I’m looking forward to having some time to myself.



                                                            CAR #2

BEEEEPPP!!!



                                                            CAR #5

Are you fucking kidding me? BEEP!! BEEP!! BEEP!!



                                                            CAR #6

Oh good, I have time to text.



                        CAR #6 slows to a crawl to text. CAR #1 is inching away.



                                                            CAR #1

And I don’t know what to believe. Here I’ve got two OBGYN’s telling me two different things. So I really don’t know what to do. But I’ll call you. We’ll set up a lunch date.



                                                            CARS #2&5

BEEEEEEEPPP!!!!



                        CAR #6 rear ends CAR #5 who rear ends CAR #2



                                                            ALL THREE

FUCK!



                                                            CAR #1

Oh, was that an accident back there? People don’t know how to drive, I swear. Bye!





                                                            CAR #3

Bye!



                                                            CAR #5

You were texting!



                                                            CAR #6

No, I wasn’t.



                                                            CAR #5

PEOPLE DIE FROM THAT SHIT!



                                                            CAR #6

You didn’t die!



                                                            CAR #5

No, but I’m gonna fuckin kill you!



                        CAR #5 beats the shit out of CAR #6.



                                                            CAR #2

See what you started?



                                                            CAR #3

Me? I broke down, it’s not my fault.



                                                            CAR #2

You shoulda pulled over!



                                                            CAR #3

I couldn’t the guy behind me was following too close!



                                                            CAR #2

SO ?



                        CAR #1 comes back from the opposite direction.



                                                            CAR #1

I forgot where I was going so I’m going home to see if I remember.



                                                            CAR #3

Good seeing you!



                        CAR #4 comes up behind the pulling into her driveway way too slowly                                 CAR #1.



                                                            CAR #4

What the fuck is wrong with people?



                                                            CAR #2

Are you the one who caused the accident?



                                                            CAR #4

Me? No!



                                                            CAR #3

You were following me too close!



                        CAR #5 is just about done beating up CAR #6



                                                            CAR #6

That’ll teach you to do not drive like a dick. Who’s next?



                        CARS #2, 3 and 4 point to each other.



BLACKOUT

#21 - Alien Invasion

Okay - Stamford people, if the aliens (not the illegal ones) came to Stamford where would they land? RIGHT! In that big fucking hole that's been downtown for decades.

Yes, out there some idiot has been paying property taxes on that hole.

If I ever win the Powerball I want to buy it and put a farm there, just to piss everyone off.

So, in yesterday's play, the aliens come to Stamford and then have a great laugh at our expense. Who designed such an unlivable space? HA! And they did it that way on purpose!

Let's see what I can come up with today.

-VD

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

#19 and #20 - Stamford Baked Beans and another one you can't read yet.

Play # 19 was inspired by a recipe I have yet to write... Let me 'splain.

When the 31 Plays in 31 Days project started they asked for prompts. All I could come up with at the time was something to this effect - Cooking is art, baking is science. Write a play featuring your favorite recipe that balances the two.

Yes, it's phoofy, I know.

Now, the prompts they have been sending out (mostly from male minds) haven't worked for me. The only one I used was Killer Unicorns. There is something to my theory that male minds and female minds work differently and therefore write mad-crazy-diffrently. If I have the time, at the end of the month, I'll compile all the prompts and have a non-scientific study.

Anyhoo.

So play #19 is Stamford Baked Beans.

Yesterday's play was fucking torture to write. I had....let's see...NOTHING to go on. Brain fucking dead, I was. But I managed, through the magic of Facebook, to find out a tiny bit of information on the theatre that used to be in the woods behind the Stamford Museum. And I got a monologue out of it, there's something there. It's not weak, but it's not fully realized yet.

Looking at the big picture, it seems the full-length Civic Fucking Pride will be made up of scenes and monologues that come directly from my mouth. Not sure how or if that will work. And I have 11 more plays to write.

-VD

Here is Stamford Baked Beans


Stamford Baked Beans

By Vanessa David ©2012



                        SETTING:  An apartment

                        AT RISE: Wife is onstage reading or something, the food is already in the oven.                               The HUSBAND enters



                                                            HUSBAND

Mmmm! What smells so good?

                                                            WIFE

I’m baking beans.

                                                            HUSBAND

Baking beans? As in Boston?

                                                            WIFE

No, Stamford Baked Beans.

                                                            HUSBAND

What is that?

                                                            WIFE

Well, I was thinking, Stamford needs an official food.

                                                            HUSBAND

Pizza!

                                                            WIFE

I know, we have a ton of pizza. But people go to New York or New Haven for pizza. Stamford needs a signature food.

                                                            HUSBAND

Beans.

                                                            WIFE

Stamford Baked Beans.

                                                            HUSBAND

And what, pray tell, is in Stamford Baked Beans?

                                                            WIFE

Well, beans of every color of the rainbow, spices from around the world, maple syrup from the museum and duck bacon.

                                                            HUSBAND

Duck bacon! Fancy!

                                                            WIFE

Stamford’sa got alotta Jews.

                                                            HUSBAND

Ah, keepin’ it kosher.

                                                            WIFE

Yep.

                                                            HUSBAND

Well, that sounds delicious.

                                                            WIFE

You don’t like it.

                                                            HUSBAND

I haven’t tried it.

                                                            WIFE

It’s not vegetarian.

                                                            HUSBAND

I know.

                                                            WIFE

I could have left the bacon out but I know you hate eating vegetarian.

                                                            HUSBAND

I do.


                                                            WIFE

So Stamford’s vegetarians are actually left unrepresented because of you.

                                                            HUSBAND

What?

                                                            WIFE

You know, I wanted to represent all the people of Stamford in one dish.

                                                            HUSBAND

You could have left the bacon out.

                                                            WIFE

What are baked beans without bacon?

                                                            HUSBAND

Baked beans.

                                                            WIFE

Don’t get smart with me.

                                                            HUSBAND

Okay.

                                                            WIFE

I’m sorry. I’m being difficult. I just feel that, sometimes, in Stamford, we’re all just so…separated. Running around, living our stupid busy lives. There’s nothing to bring us together. Nothing to unite us. Nothing for us to rally behind or cheer for. So, I thought, if I made these baked beans, these Stamford Baked Beans then we’d all have something to be proud of, you know. Something the whole country, the whole world would know came from Stamford. Something that represented all of us; Black, White, Spanish, Puerto Rican, Haitian, Indian, Asian, rich, poor, destitute, Jews! But if you can’t support me in that, well, I’d rather you just shut-up and eat your beans.

                                                            HUSBAND

Are they ready?

                                                            WIFE

NO THEY’RE NOT READY! Baked beans take hours! DAYS! It takes time for the flavors to come together, you can’t just whip up a pot of baked beans. Baked beans take time!


                                                            HUSBAND

I’m sure they’re worth the wait. What are you serving them with?



BLACKOUT

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Starting to Slow?

Yesterday we opened Merry Wives in the city. A somewhat indescribable experience. Let's just say I had to convince someone she wasn't wearing pants. And half the cast stinks, like literally stinks. Someone mentioned a deodorant tax in NYC, because these people clearly can't afford it. BUT the good actors all smelled nice and wore pants...

As I finished my three scenes in the first half hour of the well-cut play I grabbed my notebook and tried to write. I had two "false starts" shall we say. I couldn't get what I was writing to work. The third start actually turned out okay, I'll be bringing the laptop to the shows today so I can type it up and get it in.

I've been consistently submitting my play a day! Don't wanna fuck that up.

Yesterday's play Turtle Love was very well received. Another one of my plays that folks say could be animated. But I like putting that stuff on stage. I like to challenge what people think theatre can be. It worked for The Tale of Yield and Tire. <--- October 19, 20 and 21 at Theatre Artists Workshop in Norwalk, CT.

-VD

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Turtle Love - a short play


                                                           Turtle Love



                                                by Vanessa David ©2012

                       

                        SETTING: The Rippowam River running alongside Scalzi Park
               

                        AT RISE: There is a little turtle crying on a rock.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Ohh… OHHH….. OOOOHHHHH!!!!!! Help me, help me, somebody please help me! Excuse me! Um, Fish! Fish! Why are we here? Answer me you fish!



                                                            BIG GUY

Fish don’t talk. Not much anyway. They like to keep to themselves.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Wow, you’re big!



                                                            BIG GUY

And you’re little. And crying.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t even know where I am.



                                                            BIG GUY

What do you know?



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Well, I know I’m a slider turtle. I know I was born in a pet shop and then a little boy took me home, and I lived there with him in a tank in his room for a few years, I think, and then I woke up here! Oh!!! I’m frightened!



                                                            BIG GUY

Shhh… it’s all going to be okay.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

I don’t understand! How am I going to eat? Who will feed me?



                                                            BIG GUY

I’ll teach you how to feed yourself!



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Are you a slider turtle?



                                                            BIG GUY

No, I’m a painter turtle. I was born here. Lived here on the river my whole life.


                                                            LITTLE GUY

I didn’t know turtles lived on rivers, I thought we all lived on fluorescent rocks in glass tanks.



                                                            BIG GUY

Not at all, little man. I am going to show you how the big turtles live.



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

Who’s this? Who’s this?



                                                            BIG GUY

Hello, Barn Swallow.



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

Hello! Hello!



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Hello! You live in a barn?



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

No. No.  I live here! I live here!



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Turtles and birds living in harmony? That’s wild!



                                                            BIG GUY

Yes it is, little man, yes it is.



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

Ooh! Insects! See you later!



                                                            TURTLES

Bye!



                                                            LITTLE GUY

She was nice!



                                                            BIG GUY

Everyone here is nice, well, as long as they’re not predator or prey.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Prey?



                                                            BIG GUY

Don’t worry, we’re top of the food chain around here, pretty much.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Food chain?



                                                            BIG GUY

Well, we don’t have little boys bringing us food from a pet shop. We have to catch our own food.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Catch?



                                                            BIG GUY

Yes, but evolution has played a little joke on us. We can’t catch food with our tongues like our distant cousins.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

That’s a joke? That’s not funny.



                                                            BIG GUY

Watch and learn. Sit perfectly still. Lull your prey into a sense of safety. Spot them, zero in on them, watch yourself catching them in your mind’s eye and then… (BAM)



                                                            LITTLE GUY

WOW!!! Do it again!



                                                            BIG GUY

Okay, but you try too.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Okay, okay.



                                                            BIG GUY

Sit perfectly still. Lull your prey. Spot them, zero in, see it in your mind’s eye and then…



                                                            LITTLE GUY

(BAM)  MMMMM!!!! I did it! Oh, that was tasty! A little gamey, but tasty!



                                                            BIG GUY

You’re a quick learner! That’s good! You’ll need to be street smart.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Why? There’s no street.



                                                            BIG GUY

The street isn’t that far away. But you’re the new guy. These animals might give you trouble.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Really?



                                                            BIG GUY

Everyone’s not as friendly as me. Watch out for the mink.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Mink?



                                                            BIG GUY

Yeah, she’s a bit snooty. She’ll question your right to be here at all, but you just tell her you’re my cousin.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Cool.



                                                            BIG GUY

And watch out for the raccoon, Rocky.

                       

                                                            LITTLE GUY

Rocky raccoon? Like the Beatles?



                                                            BIG GUY

No, the beetles are over there killing that tree.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

You need Yoko.



                                                            BIG GUY

What?



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Never mind.



                                                            BIG GUY

The tree’s not supposed to be here anyway, it’s not native. These people meant well, but they really didn’t understand what they were doing when they landscaped this place. There’s a few that come around, though, and make sure we have the plants and trees and stuff we need to survive. Good people. Always let them take a picture when they want. Pose as long as you need to.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Got it.



                                                            MINK

Hey! Who are you? Hey! This is my turf. I don’t share it with little loser turtles.



                                                            BIG GUY

Good morning, Mink. This is my cousin, Slider.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Hello.



                                                            MINK

Hello. I’ll behave myself…for today. But in the future you better watch your back.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Can I do that?



                                                            BIG GUY

No.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Another one of evolutions cruel jokes?



                                                            BIG GUY

I’m afraid so.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Geez, why didn’t evolution just give me a flat tail, webbed feet and a duck bill?



                                                            BIG GUY

Someone else got that.



                                                            MINK

And I got this beautiful fur coat! Ha! Everyone envies me. Even the people. They want my coat, but they’ll have to go through me to get it.



                                                            BIG GUY

Yes, you’re fabulous, we know.



                                                            MINK

And don’t you forget it.



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

Go away! Go away! You ate my baby!



                                                            MINK

Oh, I did! Barn swallowed it whole! Sure was tasty!



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

How dare you! (Poop!)



                                                            MINK

Oh, no you didn’t! Did you just poop on me?



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

I did! I did!



                                                            MINK

My coat!



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

And there’s more where that came from. I just ate a whole swarm of gnats.



                                                            MINK

That’s it. I’m getting out of here. You’re all too low-brow for my tastes.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

It was nice meeting you…I guess.



                                                            MINK

I’ll see you later.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Was that a threat?



                                                            BIG GUY

We’ll stick together, the three of us. We’ve got each other’s backs.



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

Here she is! Here she is!



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Who?



                                                            BIG GUY

It’s the picture lady. Come on, let’s pose nice for her.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Oh, okay. Barn Swallow, get on my back.



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

Oh, I like that! That’s comedy.



                                                            BIG GUY

Ready?





                                                            ALL

Cheese!



                                                            BARBARA

Wonderful. You’re all going on Facebook.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Oh, no!



                                                            BIG GUY

What?



                                                            LITTLE GUY

What if the little boy sees me and comes back! I kinda like it here.



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

We got your back! We got your back!



                                                            BIG GUY

Don’t worry. We’re not gonna let anything happen to you. You’re one of us now.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Thanks.



                                                            BIG GUY

Come on, whaddaya say we all go over to the rock island and catch us some insects.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

That sounds great.



                                                            BARN SWALLOW

Last one there is a rotten egg!



                                                            BIG GUY

No fair! You can fly.



                                                            LITTLE GUY

Hey guys! Wait up! I don’t know how to swim!



BLACKOUT



Copyright 2012 Vanessa David - All Rights Reserved